In case you are sitting there thinking that I have this all figured out—I don’t. Rest is by no means something I practice perfectly all the time, and truly I’ve only really been prioritizing it for a few years (as you may have learned from my previous Substack: “Rest and Control.”) In fact, terms like “Self-Care” used to infuriate me. So without further ado, here are some honest, perhaps funny, hopefully relatable, off-the-cuff confessions from this Recovering Perfectionist who has been learning how to rest and talking about it while she does.
CONFESSION # 1: I never imagined myself writing so much about rest.
Probably because I didn’t believe in it until more recently. I mean, of course I said I believed in it, but I think it was more as a general concept, or something that was important for certain other people, but not for me. Even as I have begun writing about it a bit more these past few years, every time someone would tell me I should continue in that vein I’d say something like, “well but I’m so new at this, and I don’t really know what I’m talking about.” Or; “Well that’s not really the main thing I write about anyways.” And truthfully, when I first started discovering Sabbath and Rest as life practices that were CRITICAL to my continuing to function, I probably didn’t know enough to write much. Now, with 19 months of having twins under my belt, and an honorary masters degree in sleep deprivation—I suddenly find myself feeling expert enough in the topic of rest to be confident that I have something to say. (However, I do want to acknowledge from the outset I am by no means a scholar on this subject, though I’d love to learn more.)
CONFESSION # 2: I used to hate the term “Self-Care.”
Honestly, I’m still a bit ambivalent towards it, but I try and practice what others would refer to as “Self-Care,” as well as tending to my body’s basic needs because, I am in fact a finite human and not a robot. (Annoying, right?) There were a few reasons why I think I hated it—ONE because the word “self” was in there, and I was a Christian good girl, I assumed that self-care must be self-ish. And I think it’s safe to say that that is the last thing I ever wanted to be. TWO because even once I began realizing I had to actually tend to my own needs in order to keep giving to others, I found practices of self-care to often be out of reach. When you are a busy mom of five, things like leisurely bubble baths, weekly manicures, or monthly massages were not only out of reach, but were not even necessarily what I needed or wanted. It took me a long while to think of self-care the way I think of it now—including things like, keeping a full water bottle with me in the car while I drive to get in a little hydration boost while I have a minute to “sit.” (You know you are tired when driving feeling like “sitting.”) Things like remembering to take my vitamins, and going to the dentist. Small moves towards prioritizing my own snack time and setting boundaries with my kids for moments of peace. [e.g. Finishing my plate of food before refilling a child’s plate. Saying “in five/ten minutes I can read/play/etc”—and allowing myself that time to finish my cup of tea. Reading a book I enjoy while cuddling on the couch with my child(ren).] I still have a long ways to go with this concept, and different seasons are requiring I receive the gift of rest in the form of self-care in different ways, and to differing degrees but I have come a long way from the girl who shunned the idea of caring for herself altogether. Now I try and ask myself “What do I need right now?” And if I’m able to meet that need, then I do. Often it’s as simple as putting the kettle on, and sitting down to eat a snack.
CONFESSION #3: I’m still constantly tempted to work instead of rest.
Fake resting is my favorite. I mean, not my *actual favorite* but it is my go-to way of trying to sneak in a little productivity when I know my body and soul actually need me to rest. Folding laundry while watching T.V., “quickly” cleaning the kitchen before I lay down to take a nap (which somehow always leads me to reorganizing some cabinet or other during that precious nap time when I should have been sleeping), sometimes even writing on work projects when I’m supposed to just be writing for myself. It’s not that any of those activities is bad, by no means! In fact watching T.V. while folding is our favorite way of getting on of my least favorite house chores out of the way. The problem is, when I try and sneak these activities into the time I’m supposed to be resting. There’s a constant push and pull. My desire to achieve and “get things done” does not like to be supplanted by my body’s need for actual rest, so my mind tries to compromise with rest-adjacent activities. The result is that I miss my window of opportunity to truly rest, and I feel burnt out much more quickly.
CONFESSIONS # 4: At least half the time, I still feel twitchy when resting.
For those of you familiar with the tyrannical voice of the inner critic, you know that sometimes sitting down and “doing nothing” comes with more anxiety than it can feel like it’s worth. I mean how can rest be “restful” when the conga line of shame and fear is parading through your mind and heart? This why resting is so important to practice as a spiritual discipline. The days that I’m having the hardest time resting are usually the days when I need it most: the days I’m feeling burnt out on my failures and am somehow trying to “do penance.” The days when I’ve deluded myself into thinking that the world could not possibly run without me. The days when my self-worth is most toxically wrapped up in what I do, and not in who I am. I think that is exactly the reason that God has given us rest as a command—because we need the reminder that He is God, and we are not. When we set boundaries by choosing rest (whatever that looks like) we are living in the glorious truth of our limitations. We are pushing back on the desire to “be just like God” which seduced Adam and Eve in the beginning. We are accepting our own finitude: something that is much easier said than done. So if you too feel twitchy while trying to rest—just know that you are normal. As you practice rest, God will reveal the twisty ways your soul is tempted to overreach its God given limits, and you will begin to see yourself the way God does—Beloved, just for existing.
Beloved Ones, I hope these confessions meet you where you are and make you feel right at home in the House of Rest today. Remember; you can be still, and still be loved.
From my tea cup to yours,
Gracie
"The glorious truth of our limitations"! Love this, perhaps it should be on a t shirts... but seriously, thank you for this perspective