Nothing makes the soul feel more frantic than being out of control in the midst of difficult circumstances. A health scare. Job loss. Financial instability. Waiting for news. Relationship stress. Even tumultuous weather. But this is often where we live, in one way or another. So much is uncertain in our lives, and so little is in our control. Yet nothing makes me grasp for control harder than when I feel it slipping between my fingers.
As I close my fist around whatever uncontrollable outcome I seek to tame, I can feel my neck muscles hardening, and my knees beginning to shake—how can I possibly rest like this?
But that’s the invitation to Sabbath isn’t it? Not to just rest when it feels like we have all the ducks lined up and ready to go. But to rest even when we don’t. Sabbath reminds us that we don’t have to have all the outcomes figured out in order to be safe. We are held, even here. We can lay our heads down, trusting that just as the manna came today, it will come tomorrow. We can gather twice the portion on Friday, and it will keep us fed until Sunday comes around. And once again our ability (or inability) to rest, comes back to our capacity to trust.
I say ‘capacity’ because I don’t think trust is a black and white, ‘do or do not’ sort of endeavor in our faith life. It’s more fluid than that, and just as our capacity for activities, for financial commitments, for levels of emotional engagement can vary and change with seasons of life and seasons of the soul—so does our capacity to trust.
This past month has been extremely difficult for our family, and yet I have found myself very grateful for the fact that these things happened this month and not a few months ago when my trust in God was still in a complete shambles. This month has continued to test me, but what I am standing on now is at last, something stable and solid. Something that will still be there no matter what happens next.
This weekend I have been cozied up in the sweetest little Airbnb working on my manuscript edits. But as I mentioned earlier, there has been a lot going on in our world lately—so much so that if I hadn’t already paid for this weekend away, I probably wouldn’t have still been going.
God knew this. He knew the exact timing of how all these unforeseen circumstances were going to shake out. And because I am growing in my capacity to trust him, I leaned in to this knowing, and came here with the expectation that God was going to meet me in every way I needed to be met.
The first night, I sat on the sofa, anxiety sitting like an elephant on my chest. And then I remembered that James Bryan Smith quote that has meant so much to so many of us, and I felt the Lord inviting me to meditate on the truth of these words:
“I am one in whom Christ dwells and delights. I live in the strong and unshakeable Kingdom of God. The Kingdom is not in trouble, and neither am I.”
—James Bryan Smith
The first time I said the words allowed, my voice lacked conviction. But by the third time, I could feel my certainty returning to me. Sometimes all we need in order to rest in seasons of uncertainty is to just remind ourselves the truth of who we are, whose we are, where we live, and the security of our eternal future. Though so much of “what comes next” is unknown to me, these things I still know are true. I am loved. I am safe. God is at work, and nothing in this world (including me and my mistakes) can stop him.
In a season full of uncertainty, there are still certainties that I can hold onto. So I’ll tighten my grip on those, as the waters toss my boat about again. Jesus isn’t asleep in the boat because he doesn’t care. He’s asleep because he’s not worried. And I don’t need to be either.
The rest of the weekend was spent much more peacefully, resting, finishing my edits, taking a monster nap, grabbing tacos with a friend, and writing a few new poems to add to the collection I still hope to release this upcoming winter. (Feb 20, 2024 is my tentative launch date.)
I don’t have it all figured out. But I’ll figure it out one day at a time. And in between the days of figuring, I’ll take my Sabbaths, and my moments of peace when I find them, and I will rest. Because it’s not all up to me. It’s not my job to make all the uncertainties in my life go away, or somehow get a strangle hold of control on them. It’s my job to just be, to be faithful in what I am given, and to trust that God knows exactly what we need.
If you need a little reminder in the form of this wonderful James Bryan Smith quote, I made you a little downloadable wallpaper for your desktop. Just click the link below to get it.
Today, this lovely Sabbath, may you remember WHO you are, WHOSE you are, WHERE you live, and HOW secure your future really is—no matter what curve balls the present is throwing your way. It’s not all up to you, which means you can rest.
Warmly,
Grace E. Kelley
P.S. A little friendly reminder that Subscribing to an author’s newsletter is a super simple and extremely helpful way to support them in their work, and Paid Subscribers get extra content and a fun little bonus I created awhile back. It’s called “Comfort with Food” and it’s a little mini recipe book that gives specific instructions for how to love folks who are hurting in various kinds of difficult seasons with the gift of delicious and thoughtfully prepared food. You’ll get the link to download it in your welcome email as soon as you sign up to be a paid subscriber.
This is lovely, and I have never seen that quote before, but it is hitting me right where I live.
“...who we are, Whose we are, where we live...” oh my. The thoughts of who I am and where I live are overwhelmingly loud, and have been for a very long time. Sometimes I think, as old as I am, that there isn’t much time left to rid myself of the old. Thank you for your thoughts Grace.