There have been days where I have sobbed while making my bed, longing to climb back under the covers and get some sleep, only to later hear such words as—
“You need to get those babies on the same schedule.”
“Can’t you just do bottles?”
“You need to ask for help.”
“You’re doing too much. You need to relax.”
“Have you tried_______________?”
For every sleep related problem there will be a thousand well-meaning people offering solutions. Family members and friends anxiously put themselves in your shoes and, unable to imagine how on earth you are surviving with your incredible lack of sleep, feel it is their duty to help by offering advice. Of course, some of these solutions might actually help—as long as they align with your values. This post isn’t meant to knock on those perfectly good solutions. The problem with these kindly meant solutions is that they 1) undercut our suffering, and 2) make us feel like if we just tried harder, then we would be getting the rest we need—which leads to a shame that climbs on top of our already-exhausted shoulders as we begin to think that our suffering is somehow our fault. The lack of sympathy can come through eventually as well, because if we “fail” to take so-and-so’s advice, and then we still aren’t sleeping? Well then, it’s our own fault now isn’t it?
Suddenly the support seems to pull away from the edges of our life. This can happen with any kind of suffering of course. The longer something goes on, the harder it is for even the most well intentioned and kind of our friends and family to continue to support us in the ways we need over the long haul. Ask any family dealing with a cancer diagnosis, and you’ll see what I mean. Ask any one who is grieving the loss of a loved one. The shock of the diagnosis wears off, the funeral is over, and everyone else goes back to their life. The truth is, I needed support for my sleep just as much (if not more so) at the six month, and one year mark, as I did when my twins were newborns. But it felt harder to ask for. And just as hard to get at times. Even on my Instagram page, I got tired of saying how tired I was all the time. Yet I knew if I stopped saying it, everyone would assume I was finally sleeping better, and that was just not the case.
So, solutions might not be quite what we need. Perhaps more than anything, we just need to hear someone say:
“Wow, that sounds really hard.”
“You are doing an amazing job.”
“I’m so proud of you.”
I want to be seen in all my dark-circled, bleary-eyed glory. I know you do too. And if you just need to hear someone say it today, what you’re going through is really hard. And feel like it or not, you are doing an amazing job. I’m so proud of you.
Now that we have some basic empathy under our belt, we can talk a bit more practically. Here in this post, I hope to offer seven suggestions for how to begin receiving rest in seasons where good sleep is not always accessible. I say “receive rest” because for me it has become so incredibly clear that rest is a gift—one that God wants to freely give to you. While the following list is the farthest thing from quick fixes, or solutions, I hope you find these suggestions helpful as you turn to receive rest from God, others, and even yourself in the midst of an intense and exhausting season.
SEVEN WAYS TO BEGIN TO RECEIVE REST IN A SLEEPLESS SEASON:
Allow God to meet you in your weakness. I mentioned in my previous post that one of my most prayed prayers of the past year and a half is “Dear God, S.O.S. Amen.” Coming to God with your exhaustion, your weakness, and your neediness, is one of the first and best things you can do when you are in an exhausting season. Perhaps it is our failure to believe in the absolute neediness and humanity of the Christ in the manger that causes us to deify those that seem to have no needs—that person that you think is holding it all together—that “super mom,” or that incredible caregiver to an aging parent, the one who just keeps putting on foot after another no matter what. Perhaps others even see you this way in whatever you are going through. As a twin parent I hear all the time “I don’t know how you do it!” Usually I just laugh and smile—but sometimes I say, “I don’t know how I do it either.” Or perhaps I do—miracles. The little everyday miracles of getting up for the twelfth time in a night—and still waking up the next morning to get the big kids ready for school. The opening of the sandpaper eyes, and the shuffling of well-worn slippers in the midst of brutal sleep deprivation isn’t sparkly or shiny, but for me it has often been the fruit of miraculous provision. God meeting me with just enough for today.
Dare to be brutally specific when asking others for what you need. As an Enneagram 2 and Highly Sensitive Person, I sometimes (read: often) get frustrated when the people around me cannot simply intuit my needs, like I do theirs. And because I am so sensitive, I also really pick up on whether they are helping me because they genuinely want to, or because they feel obligated in some way. The mood of the person helping me makes a huge difference in whether I am able to receive that help or not. Both of these factors make it hard for me to want to ask for help at all—it’s become almost a sort of spiritual discipline to ask anyway. Maybe you need your spouse to take the morning shift so you can try and catch a few zzz’s after being up most of the night. Maybe you need your spouse to bring you coffee in bed so you can have a slow start to your morning. Maybe you need your babysitter/friend/grandparents to take the kids so you can sit on the couch and watch Netflix without anyone touching you for the afternoon. Maybe you need to take a walk alone for fifteen minutes, or even just have a few moments alone on the front porch with your coffee. Lately, I’ve been asking for an hour to wrap Christmas presents alone, and it’s been heavenly. So ask. And keep asking, knowing you may not always get for exactly what you want or need, and knowing that the people you are asking for help are imperfect and may not always help with the best attitude ever—this doesn’t mean you were wrong for asking. It’s good for you to ask, and it’s good for them to be asked. So dare to be brutally specific about what you need, and ask.
Be excessively gentle with yourself. If you are a recovering-perfectionistic-control-freak like I am, then your gut reaction when things are hard may be to buckle down and just try harder. You may also find your tolerance for failure in yourself, and others, is significantly shrunken—yet sleep deprivation leads to many, many failures. I have left innumerable loads of laundry in the washing machine too long, forgotten to start the dishwasher, forgotten a key ingredient at the grocery store, and I’ve even forgotten my PIN when trying to check out at the grocery store. There were days where even calling to mind my own birthdate for a doctor’s appointment felt like a stretch. So in this season of exhaustion, I encourage you to begin receiving rest by extending what might seem like, an excessive level of gentleness to yourself. Give yourself grace for the sleep deprived failures. Make room for rest in your heart attitude towards yourself. Don’t let the darkness of the long nights make you forget how valuable you are, not for what you do, but just because you exist.
Take care of your body. It cannot be overstated how important it is to eat foods that energize you when you aren’t sleeping well. There are shifts in biological needs when you aren’t sleeping, such as a need for more carbohydrates, that should not be ignored. Now is not the time to limit your calories—but focus on whole foods so you can give your body adequate nutrition. Also, be sure to stay hydrated by drinking plenty of water. Though it can be tempting to replace sleep with caffeine, realize that too much of this will probably negatively impact the sleep that you are able to get, as well as heightening any anxiety you are already experiencing. Taking your vitamins is also very important, but hard to remember, so give yourself the grace to start fresh every day. A B-complex can be helpful for mood and energy, Magnesium supports quality sleep, and of course be sure to keep up with those immune boosting vitamins D and C—and anything else that supports the immune system because during sleepless seasons this will be diminished as well. Gentle movement is also incredibly helpful. Even if its just a few minutes of stretching or a walk around the block, take the time to move your body and tune into what she needs. You will be glad you did. (I realize different bodies will need different things, so don’t feel like this is a prescriptive list, just use it as a jumping off point to think about what YOUR BODY might need in this season.)
Prioritizing rest during the day, whatever that looks like. Sometimes it looks like lying down on the floor while the kids play beauty parlor and comb your hair, mastering that side-lying nursing position so you can snuggle in on the couch while you nurse your baby during the day, choosing a movie YOU want to watch, etc. Being okay with too much screen-time, sending rambunctious kids outside to play, breaking out the paper plates, letting the laundry pile up just a bit more than you would normally, hiring someone to clean your house—all of these things can help you to cultivate a restful mindset even if you aren’t actually sleeping. Keep your to-do list to the bare minimum. You might even try writing a “to-don’t” list if you want a humorous way to remind yourself of the things you are intentionally letting go of today in favor of a little more rest. Here’s a humorous example for you of some things that might be on your “To-Don’t” list: Don’t care if the clothes are folded properly, don’t worry about dishes piling up in the sink, don’t feel guilty for watching movies all day, etc. And be sure to put “Take a nap,” on your To-Do list if you are able. ;)
Tune in fully to moments of peace and/or quiet. If you are able to let someone else take over your caregiving duties for the day, hurrah! But even if it’s only a few minutes of a car ride alone, a shower, an evening bath, or some time to stretch before bed—try and turn your full attention to those moments of peace and quiet you are able to find in your day, so that you can more fully receive them. When you are in high alert caregiving non-stop, sometimes it can be hard to drink in the moments to rest when you do have them—and this can be extremely frustrating. One practice I have found helpful is just putting a hand over my heart, taking a deep breath and saying to myself, “No one needs you right at this very moment. You can rest.” Even if the “moment” only lasted twenty minutes, (or five) this simple practice to tune in more fully to the moment of peace, allowed those short minutes to be much more restful than if I had stayed “ON” that whole time just waiting for that next need to crop up.
Keep trying to rest. There have been infuriating seasons, with the twins especially, where I would draw a bath for myself at the end of a long day and would scarcely sink into the scalding water before I was needed again. I alway think of this example when I think about how infuriating it can be sometimes to even try to rest. Some seasons are just like that. I have found in this season that trying to rest is just as important of a practice as trying to put one foot in front of the other. Impossible as it may seem, I want to encourage you, Dear Reader, to keep trying anyways. I know it’s hard. Sometimes it feels so much easier to just keep running on adrenaline, than to allow your body to settle into a comfortable chair for a few moments. So even if you know it may not last very long, keep trying to rest, and let what comes be manna for your body and mind. Letting it be what it is is sometimes the hardest part.
If this list feels hard to you, or inaccessible, please know my heart goes out to you. I understand. There are no easy answers. There have been so many times during this past 17 months when rest felt impossible, and I realize that not all of these ideas will work for every person or every situation. But my prayer is that ONE of them will. Take what works, leave the rest for another day. When trying to rest in a season of little sleep, I have discovered that letting go of expectations (and the resulting frustration) is the very hardest part. It’s hard to lay down to rest, or sit down to drink a cup of tea, when you have no idea how long that rest will last, or if it will be at all sufficient. But in the wake of released expectations comes the peacefulness of surrender. Come hardship, or help, there is trust.
Here in the middle of your neediness, you will find a deeper communion with the God who needs no sleep—and yet came to earth as an incredibly needy infant who yawned wide and could not keep his tiny eyes open. My prayer for you Dear Reader, is that through these practices of leaning into rest despite being in a sleepless season, that you will find a sort of daily bread—the miraculous, just-enough-ness of manna in the desert, and the kind and constant presence of a God who has never once left you alone.
Peace be with you today, this Christmas, and into the New Year.
Grace E. Kelley
**THIS IS PART TWO OF A SERIES ENTITLED: REST FOR THE SLEEPLESS. BE SURE TO HIT THE SUBSCRIBE BUTTON BELOW TO GET PART THREE DIRECTLY IN YOUR INBOX IN THE NEW YEAR.**
Oh Grace, as always, how lovely and hopeful. I have so many thoughts about my own lack of rest and how answers may never come. I’m not a mommy anymore but my lack of rest is still overwhelming. I appreciate you so very much and I hope you have a peaceful Christmas. Susan