I related to this quite a bit, as my husband and I have tried to figure out what works for us and how it changes with each season (literal seasons as well as figurative as we live in a farm with lots of outside chores too!) A big realization for me was the recognition of how much emotional labor I was doing and/or management around his tasks. I liked Eve Rodsky's book, Fair Play for breaking down these tasks and truly looking at who was doing what.
Ooohhh yes Christine! The emotional labor is a whole thing on its own. I need to spend more time thinking on that as well.
We are also farmers! And you are so right, we have to constantly evaluate what is and is not working based on the season! I’ll have to move FairPlay up on my TBR list.
Ah, I didn't realize you were also a farmer - so you get it! I sometimes miss the days where we lived in an apartment in a city, pre-kids, that made the division of labor much easier!
You are so right Marie. And sometimes...there's no other way to crumble the cookie and it just is what it is for a season. But like you said, I think continuing to have those conversations and moving towards an equal sharing of the load (even if its just in the areas that are NOT in constant flux) really makes such a difference for the long haul.
Yes, that makes so much sense to me! I was somewhat relieved when my 7 & 9 year old decided not to do baseball this spring - so no need to divy up multiple practices/games, etc!
I myself am very grateful that my kids are not yet super into sports for the same reason. We have so many other things going on I can't imagine juggling that too!
I so relate to this! It took us longer to figure out the problem and we’re still working on it, but I’m thankful for how my husband truly wants to value my time and help carry the load of domestic work. I read the book “Fair Play” last year and it helped me get clarity on the issues, as well as feel better about asking for more from him.
I definitely feel like I set up unrealistic expectations at the start of my marriage. It was a little bit church background--I didn't really see complementarian division of labor in my childhood home or preached at my own church, but I was certainly exposed to it. But really, it was an obsession with Victorian literature haha. I think I could have very happily continued if 1. I didn't want to be a writer (time consuming, energy draining) and 2. I hadn't eventually had to get a full-time teaching job. And now where are we? My husband does some household tasks, but I still feel like I bear the pressure of it. It's me, not him, though.
Absolutely Marie. So many of these ideas are DEEPLY ingrained, and you first have to feel free to root them out, and then actually do the work TO root them out. It's exhausting. I think it's so interesting how our churches think they are being different from the "culture" by being hyper patriarchal, when actually they are just reinforcing a cultural narrative that has been there forever. In Christ we are FREE to be equal partners and true co-heirs with one another, and so often our marriages do not live up to that because of the internal and external narratives that we are facing constantly.
I related to this quite a bit, as my husband and I have tried to figure out what works for us and how it changes with each season (literal seasons as well as figurative as we live in a farm with lots of outside chores too!) A big realization for me was the recognition of how much emotional labor I was doing and/or management around his tasks. I liked Eve Rodsky's book, Fair Play for breaking down these tasks and truly looking at who was doing what.
Ooohhh yes Christine! The emotional labor is a whole thing on its own. I need to spend more time thinking on that as well.
We are also farmers! And you are so right, we have to constantly evaluate what is and is not working based on the season! I’ll have to move FairPlay up on my TBR list.
Ah, I didn't realize you were also a farmer - so you get it! I sometimes miss the days where we lived in an apartment in a city, pre-kids, that made the division of labor much easier!
Very true!!
You are so right Marie. And sometimes...there's no other way to crumble the cookie and it just is what it is for a season. But like you said, I think continuing to have those conversations and moving towards an equal sharing of the load (even if its just in the areas that are NOT in constant flux) really makes such a difference for the long haul.
Yes, that makes so much sense to me! I was somewhat relieved when my 7 & 9 year old decided not to do baseball this spring - so no need to divy up multiple practices/games, etc!
I myself am very grateful that my kids are not yet super into sports for the same reason. We have so many other things going on I can't imagine juggling that too!
I so relate to this! It took us longer to figure out the problem and we’re still working on it, but I’m thankful for how my husband truly wants to value my time and help carry the load of domestic work. I read the book “Fair Play” last year and it helped me get clarity on the issues, as well as feel better about asking for more from him.
I haven’t read that one yet but I’ve heard good things!! Thanks for sharing your journey with us as well. It’s truly such a process.
I definitely feel like I set up unrealistic expectations at the start of my marriage. It was a little bit church background--I didn't really see complementarian division of labor in my childhood home or preached at my own church, but I was certainly exposed to it. But really, it was an obsession with Victorian literature haha. I think I could have very happily continued if 1. I didn't want to be a writer (time consuming, energy draining) and 2. I hadn't eventually had to get a full-time teaching job. And now where are we? My husband does some household tasks, but I still feel like I bear the pressure of it. It's me, not him, though.
Absolutely Marie. So many of these ideas are DEEPLY ingrained, and you first have to feel free to root them out, and then actually do the work TO root them out. It's exhausting. I think it's so interesting how our churches think they are being different from the "culture" by being hyper patriarchal, when actually they are just reinforcing a cultural narrative that has been there forever. In Christ we are FREE to be equal partners and true co-heirs with one another, and so often our marriages do not live up to that because of the internal and external narratives that we are facing constantly.